ABeautifulReminder

This weekend some of my family, my best friend && I spent the weekend at Fort Davis at some Indian Lodge Resort place. It was really, really pretty, relaxing && enjoyable. {I love family vacations} Anyways, Saturday night I seriously had the most mind blowing experience of my life.

Lately I have really been struggling with God in a lot of ways. {To put it simply}  A lot of questions && doubts && anger && accusations.. Nothing seems to change. I'd rather not talk to Him; yelling is so much better. He isn't talking so why should I pretend to listen? Not thinking about it, all the deeper issues, && leaving it in a box is a good idea.

Well, we all went to the McDonald Observatory for a Star Party. It was ridiculous! We got to look through some massive telescopes && see some incredible things. I have never seen anything so.. incredible. At one point we had a tour guide pointing out && telling us all about the stars && constellations. I have never seen so many stars in my life.

Everything was so bright && so clear && so much. The Milky Way was just right there in from of me... Clear as anything. While I was laying there looking up at the wide open sky, watching shooting star after shooting star && listening to him explain this star or that && how it’s all "coincidence".. It hit me. {All this beauty && people think it’s just there? So much detail, so much we don't understand or know or even see && it’s just something that just happened?}

Out of all of this.. The stars, the planets, alll the galaxies, everything that just goes over my head but I know is insanely cool or beautiful, everything that just makes my jaw drop.. Out of it all we are nothing. Absolutely nothing. && yet, we are everything to the One who created it all. We are the most important thing to Him. Out of all that indescribable beauty, && He believes I am beautiful. Me? As ugly, scarred, flawed && horrible as I am, I am loved by Him. He chose me to be His child, His loved one, His most treasured possession. He loves me.

It was so unthinkable. So unreal.

I’ve never seen anything like the stars that night. Nothing so, so beautiful. I’ve never realized what He showed me through them either. I mean, not REALLY.

He is listening && He is waiting.

No, that didn't change everything for me. I'm still struggling with God. More then I would like to admit. I’ve still got my doubts, my questions, my hesitations && everything.. But it did offer me a glimpse of hope.. everything I am absolutely terrified of; everything I want with all my heart.. IS real.

 In the midst of all my yelling && screaming && anger, confusion && unwillingness.. I did hear Him loud && clear; "Child, be still && know that I am God."

ReadyOrNot

When I was encouraged to start a blog, my first thought was, "ohhh hell no! I don’t want people to be able to read what I write, its personal, its reveling, it is who I am.. There is too much too loose." I am not exactly the most open person. I don't really share my feelings. I am incredibly concerned with what people will think of me. I refuse to be vulnerable. I hide my heart at almost all cost. I am beyond scared of being myself; it just doesn't turn out well in the end. I have more scars then I care to admit. I have more secrets then I know what to do with. I steadfastly refuse to put myself into any kind of unknown situation, period.. it isn't worth the risk. I like being alone && keeping to myself.
But the more I think about it the more I realize that I deeply want to share my thoughts; I always have.
I want to be brave enough to actually admit what I am feeling or thinking. My room is full note cards on the walls with quotes I love, or wrote myself, or parts of songs that stick out to me.. speak for me. It is ME. I want to be heard, to be seen. At some point you just have to be able to risk it. What do I have to lose? "ALOT! People will read what I say && judge me, think differently of me, they won’t approve of what I say.. etc. They might leave? It’s one thing in my room (no one's ever in there)" But what do I have to lose? I'm keeping people at a controllable arm’s length any ways.. It’s time to risk.

To be honest, as much as I care with my whole heart what people think of me.. If they don’t like what they read, they don’t have to read it. So, I'll say what I think, what I feel && what I want. I'll say it how I want. After all, I am thinking it anyways. I am tired of keeping so much in, when I have so much to say. Maybe I am brave enough.. It’s time to just risk it.

Yes I am afraid. What I have to say isn’t always pretty. What I feel is so intense. What I'm thinking isn’t what most people assume. Yes I am scared. I just don't do this! But those thoughts, those feelings, are who I am. If I want to be "seen" I have to put myself out there at some point.. && too many opportunities have turned into regrets && passed me by. As much as I am not ready to risk it; I am.

So, here goes nothin.