This weekend some of my family, my best friend && I spent the weekend at Fort Davis at some Indian Lodge Resort place. It was really, really pretty, relaxing && enjoyable. {I love family vacations} Anyways, Saturday night I seriously had the most mind blowing experience of my life.
Lately I have really been struggling with God in a lot of ways. {To put it simply} A lot of questions && doubts && anger && accusations.. Nothing seems to change. I'd rather not talk to Him; yelling is so much better. He isn't talking so why should I pretend to listen? Not thinking about it, all the deeper issues, && leaving it in a box is a good idea.
Well, we all went to the McDonald Observatory for a Star Party. It was ridiculous! We got to look through some massive telescopes && see some incredible things. I have never seen anything so.. incredible. At one point we had a tour guide pointing out && telling us all about the stars && constellations. I have never seen so many stars in my life.
Everything was so bright && so clear && so much. The Milky Way was just right there in from of me... Clear as anything. While I was laying there looking up at the wide open sky, watching shooting star after shooting star && listening to him explain this star or that && how it’s all "coincidence".. It hit me. {All this beauty && people think it’s just there? So much detail, so much we don't understand or know or even see && it’s just something that just happened?}
Out of all of this.. The stars, the planets, alll the galaxies, everything that just goes over my head but I know is insanely cool or beautiful, everything that just makes my jaw drop.. Out of it all we are nothing. Absolutely nothing. && yet, we are everything to the One who created it all. We are the most important thing to Him. Out of all that indescribable beauty, && He believes I am beautiful. Me? As ugly, scarred, flawed && horrible as I am, I am loved by Him. He chose me to be His child, His loved one, His most treasured possession. He loves me.
It was so unthinkable. So unreal.
I’ve never seen anything like the stars that night. Nothing so, so beautiful. I’ve never realized what He showed me through them either. I mean, not REALLY.
He is listening && He is waiting.
No, that didn't change everything for me. I'm still struggling with God. More then I would like to admit. I’ve still got my doubts, my questions, my hesitations && everything.. But it did offer me a glimpse of hope.. everything I am absolutely terrified of; everything I want with all my heart.. IS real.
In the midst of all my yelling && screaming && anger, confusion && unwillingness.. I did hear Him loud && clear; "Child, be still && know that I am God."
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