Happiness

I realize that this is going to sound so dramatic and ehhh, but whatever, I am going to say it anyways.

I have been thinking a lot lately about something. . && I have no answer. It is very real to me, but I am also very disconnected from it.

What is happiness?

 It's a feeling?

A feeling that can be faked. A feeling that can be real.

A feeling that can not only lie to everyone else; it can lie to yourself. .

When you reach that point when you can't tell the difference between how it feels to truly be happy, && to actually be faking happiness. .

What do you do. . ?

WhereAreMyTears

"Oh child, never discount the wonders of your tears. They can be healing waters && a stream of joy. Sometimes they are the best words a heart can speak."

I have always hated crying. This is funny, because I really am an emotional person. I just don’t show it. I refuse to cry. It is weakness. I am stronger then to feel the need to think that crying is going to change whatever I am crying over. Not to mention my emotions have never been acceptable to others. They scare the crap out of me && they don’t get me anywhere good. So I just ignore them. I hide them. Now it is habit.

But lately I’ve been learning that my tears are not stupid. {Did I say learning? I mean trying to accept} my tears are not weakness. That maybe they are beautiful. . && that there are people out there who love me && want to be a part of those {somehow} special tears. What is even stranger to me is that I want to share my tears. I want to have those people {&& others} experience those tears with me. To experience that softer side of me && to feel like I am just as beautiful there as I want to be everywhere else.

But I’ve hidden them so well, I honestly can’t find them.

When I am alone, && I am really upset, then they will come, but it is only a matter of time before my automatic reaction to shut them up kicks in.

So tonight in a Small Group I am in, we were asked some questions that I really hate. About our Childhood && wounds & such. . I don’t like going to those places && I most definitely don’t like feeling what it brings up. I have soo much emotion there. But while I was answering the questions honestly, I couldn’t connect with the emotions. They were just too far away. Weird.

Then a dear friend was sharing a piece of her heart with the group && she shared something very big. Very heavy. && it absolutely broke my heart. I was so saddened for her. I know how she feels, I relate sooo much. But I wasn’t crying for myself. I was crying for her && her pain. I was crying, whattttt?

Later in the night I was talking with my best friend && she was curious about my tears in group. ohhh eff it. I immediately started crying again. Like my tears just seriously poured down my face as I remembered what my friend had shared. . && how much it broke my heart for her. .

I can’t tell you how frustrating it is. . That when I couldn’t stop my emotions from coming up. . I wanted nothing more than to shut them off. && now that I want to feel them again. . I cannot connect with them to save my life. At least when it comes to me. For other people I have a never ending supply that is ready to be shared. But for me. . I have nothing. I want them back. I really don’t understand.

So I’m stuck wondering about this. . Where are MY tears??

&& why can't I find them?

Tired

I am so tired of pretending like everything is ok. Like my smiles are real && my laughter is genuine. Like my joy is not forced.

I am tired of pretending like my family is doing great. Like my little brother is my best friend. Of playin it up && pullin jokes. . But as soon as our guests have walked out the front door. . Having to guard myself against the hate being thrown around.

I am so tired of being the one person no one believes. Of being the person whose heart is so big, it gets abused. Of being the one who gets played. Of being the only one to stand up for the people who need it. Of being always on the defense.

I am tired of having to be strong for everyone. Having to be strong for myself. Having people think that just because I am capable of protecting myself, that I don’t need anyone to stand up for me.

People say what is thrown at you now, is preparing you for later in life. . If that is the case I don’t want it.

I am tired of people leaving. Of having to be ok with it. . because what does what I think, really matter there. Of people lying. Of people not seeing what is right under their noses.
I am tired of losing people. Of crying alone because other than my best friend (who doesn’t live here anyways) there is no one who sits in the tears with me. Of crying alone because I don't trust people enough to show them my tears. .

I am tired of fighting myself. I am tired of being scared. Of being insecure. Of being too tough to be vulnerable. Of not needing people, when really I need them so much.

I am tired of being too rough, too much, too emotional, too tough, too tall, too fat, too flawed, too scarred, too this. . Or too that. . in order to be beautiful.

I am tired of wanting to be what society defines as beautiful. Of wanting to be someone different. Of wanting unrealistic, or unattainable things. Of wanting adventure. Of wanting to be Someone.

I am tired of always being quiet. Always understanding. Always being a sap or a push over. Always wanting more, but settling.

I am tired of dreaming. Of hurting. Of loving. Of lying. Of screaming. Or wishing. Of  hoping. Of  wanting. Of  expecting.

I am tired of wondering if I am doing the right thing. Wondering if God hears me. Wondering if I have what it takes. Wondering why. Wondering if one day it will all change. Wondering if I will ever really find love. . && if I do, will I be able to receive it?

I am tired of the past && how it defines me. The future && how it scares me. The present && how  I know absolutely nothing.

I am tired of being angry. Being sad. Being hurt. Being bitter. Being needy. Being guilty.

I am tired of never being enough, yet being too much. Of never being smart enough. Of never having what it takes. Of never taking hold of myself && just saying or doing something.

I am tired of not having the relationship I have always dreamed of having with my mother. Not having that kind of family, or relationships within the family, that you see && think, 'that is something I have always wanted. Not perfect, but perfect to me.'

I am so tired of only seeing the negative.

I am so tired of not being able to see the positive in most any situations.

I am tired of being so angry with God I can’t see straight. Of not trusting Him. Of being stubborn. Of not being sure of where I am.

I am so tired of having things pointed out to me. . But no answers given.

I am tired of ignoring so much. Of giving hope to others. . But not having any for myself.

I am so tired of hating myself. Comparing myself.

I am so tired of the only safe place for my heart, Being my own hands. . Because I am tired of holding it.. I am tired of my heart. I am tired of caring. I am tired of the ache in my heart. I am tired of forcing myself to make it through the day. I am tired of having no purpose. I am tired of being scared of my emotions. I am tired of knowing I  can slip at any moment. I  am tired of knowing what I  am capable of && being worried I am not strong enough to handle it or stop it. I am so tired of fighting a battle that never ends. . I am tired of never changing. . I  am tired of not seeing a point.

I am tired of the fact that I could go on && on && on. .

&& really, I am so damn tired of that baby girl inside of me who doesn’t understand anything except she is not acceptable.
I am so damn tired of that baby girl inside of me, who just wants to hear that (the most real part about her) her tears are beautiful.

I am so tired of that little girl inside of me crying to be noticed, heard, loved && held.

 I am so tired of that teenager inside of me who couldn’t tell you what love means. . Because it was abused so many different ways for her.

I am so tired of that teenager inside me who is screaming to be held && told that it is not her shame to cary. . it was not her fault. . && her life is worth living.

I am so tired of the 21 year old girl who is bruised && broken && used. Who doesn’t know a damn thing. . Who just tries to make it through the day. . Who wonders how far away her past really is. . Who carries that shame. .  Who doesn’t even know what she wants or needs anymore, because pretending, faking smiles, forced laughter && the "adapt to survive" mentality are an automatic response to everything now. .

I. Am. So. Tired.

ABeautifulReminder

This weekend some of my family, my best friend && I spent the weekend at Fort Davis at some Indian Lodge Resort place. It was really, really pretty, relaxing && enjoyable. {I love family vacations} Anyways, Saturday night I seriously had the most mind blowing experience of my life.

Lately I have really been struggling with God in a lot of ways. {To put it simply}  A lot of questions && doubts && anger && accusations.. Nothing seems to change. I'd rather not talk to Him; yelling is so much better. He isn't talking so why should I pretend to listen? Not thinking about it, all the deeper issues, && leaving it in a box is a good idea.

Well, we all went to the McDonald Observatory for a Star Party. It was ridiculous! We got to look through some massive telescopes && see some incredible things. I have never seen anything so.. incredible. At one point we had a tour guide pointing out && telling us all about the stars && constellations. I have never seen so many stars in my life.

Everything was so bright && so clear && so much. The Milky Way was just right there in from of me... Clear as anything. While I was laying there looking up at the wide open sky, watching shooting star after shooting star && listening to him explain this star or that && how it’s all "coincidence".. It hit me. {All this beauty && people think it’s just there? So much detail, so much we don't understand or know or even see && it’s just something that just happened?}

Out of all of this.. The stars, the planets, alll the galaxies, everything that just goes over my head but I know is insanely cool or beautiful, everything that just makes my jaw drop.. Out of it all we are nothing. Absolutely nothing. && yet, we are everything to the One who created it all. We are the most important thing to Him. Out of all that indescribable beauty, && He believes I am beautiful. Me? As ugly, scarred, flawed && horrible as I am, I am loved by Him. He chose me to be His child, His loved one, His most treasured possession. He loves me.

It was so unthinkable. So unreal.

I’ve never seen anything like the stars that night. Nothing so, so beautiful. I’ve never realized what He showed me through them either. I mean, not REALLY.

He is listening && He is waiting.

No, that didn't change everything for me. I'm still struggling with God. More then I would like to admit. I’ve still got my doubts, my questions, my hesitations && everything.. But it did offer me a glimpse of hope.. everything I am absolutely terrified of; everything I want with all my heart.. IS real.

 In the midst of all my yelling && screaming && anger, confusion && unwillingness.. I did hear Him loud && clear; "Child, be still && know that I am God."

ReadyOrNot

When I was encouraged to start a blog, my first thought was, "ohhh hell no! I don’t want people to be able to read what I write, its personal, its reveling, it is who I am.. There is too much too loose." I am not exactly the most open person. I don't really share my feelings. I am incredibly concerned with what people will think of me. I refuse to be vulnerable. I hide my heart at almost all cost. I am beyond scared of being myself; it just doesn't turn out well in the end. I have more scars then I care to admit. I have more secrets then I know what to do with. I steadfastly refuse to put myself into any kind of unknown situation, period.. it isn't worth the risk. I like being alone && keeping to myself.
But the more I think about it the more I realize that I deeply want to share my thoughts; I always have.
I want to be brave enough to actually admit what I am feeling or thinking. My room is full note cards on the walls with quotes I love, or wrote myself, or parts of songs that stick out to me.. speak for me. It is ME. I want to be heard, to be seen. At some point you just have to be able to risk it. What do I have to lose? "ALOT! People will read what I say && judge me, think differently of me, they won’t approve of what I say.. etc. They might leave? It’s one thing in my room (no one's ever in there)" But what do I have to lose? I'm keeping people at a controllable arm’s length any ways.. It’s time to risk.

To be honest, as much as I care with my whole heart what people think of me.. If they don’t like what they read, they don’t have to read it. So, I'll say what I think, what I feel && what I want. I'll say it how I want. After all, I am thinking it anyways. I am tired of keeping so much in, when I have so much to say. Maybe I am brave enough.. It’s time to just risk it.

Yes I am afraid. What I have to say isn’t always pretty. What I feel is so intense. What I'm thinking isn’t what most people assume. Yes I am scared. I just don't do this! But those thoughts, those feelings, are who I am. If I want to be "seen" I have to put myself out there at some point.. && too many opportunities have turned into regrets && passed me by. As much as I am not ready to risk it; I am.

So, here goes nothin.