Tired

I am so tired of pretending like everything is ok. Like my smiles are real && my laughter is genuine. Like my joy is not forced.

I am tired of pretending like my family is doing great. Like my little brother is my best friend. Of playin it up && pullin jokes. . But as soon as our guests have walked out the front door. . Having to guard myself against the hate being thrown around.

I am so tired of being the one person no one believes. Of being the person whose heart is so big, it gets abused. Of being the one who gets played. Of being the only one to stand up for the people who need it. Of being always on the defense.

I am tired of having to be strong for everyone. Having to be strong for myself. Having people think that just because I am capable of protecting myself, that I don’t need anyone to stand up for me.

People say what is thrown at you now, is preparing you for later in life. . If that is the case I don’t want it.

I am tired of people leaving. Of having to be ok with it. . because what does what I think, really matter there. Of people lying. Of people not seeing what is right under their noses.
I am tired of losing people. Of crying alone because other than my best friend (who doesn’t live here anyways) there is no one who sits in the tears with me. Of crying alone because I don't trust people enough to show them my tears. .

I am tired of fighting myself. I am tired of being scared. Of being insecure. Of being too tough to be vulnerable. Of not needing people, when really I need them so much.

I am tired of being too rough, too much, too emotional, too tough, too tall, too fat, too flawed, too scarred, too this. . Or too that. . in order to be beautiful.

I am tired of wanting to be what society defines as beautiful. Of wanting to be someone different. Of wanting unrealistic, or unattainable things. Of wanting adventure. Of wanting to be Someone.

I am tired of always being quiet. Always understanding. Always being a sap or a push over. Always wanting more, but settling.

I am tired of dreaming. Of hurting. Of loving. Of lying. Of screaming. Or wishing. Of  hoping. Of  wanting. Of  expecting.

I am tired of wondering if I am doing the right thing. Wondering if God hears me. Wondering if I have what it takes. Wondering why. Wondering if one day it will all change. Wondering if I will ever really find love. . && if I do, will I be able to receive it?

I am tired of the past && how it defines me. The future && how it scares me. The present && how  I know absolutely nothing.

I am tired of being angry. Being sad. Being hurt. Being bitter. Being needy. Being guilty.

I am tired of never being enough, yet being too much. Of never being smart enough. Of never having what it takes. Of never taking hold of myself && just saying or doing something.

I am tired of not having the relationship I have always dreamed of having with my mother. Not having that kind of family, or relationships within the family, that you see && think, 'that is something I have always wanted. Not perfect, but perfect to me.'

I am so tired of only seeing the negative.

I am so tired of not being able to see the positive in most any situations.

I am tired of being so angry with God I can’t see straight. Of not trusting Him. Of being stubborn. Of not being sure of where I am.

I am so tired of having things pointed out to me. . But no answers given.

I am tired of ignoring so much. Of giving hope to others. . But not having any for myself.

I am so tired of hating myself. Comparing myself.

I am so tired of the only safe place for my heart, Being my own hands. . Because I am tired of holding it.. I am tired of my heart. I am tired of caring. I am tired of the ache in my heart. I am tired of forcing myself to make it through the day. I am tired of having no purpose. I am tired of being scared of my emotions. I am tired of knowing I  can slip at any moment. I  am tired of knowing what I  am capable of && being worried I am not strong enough to handle it or stop it. I am so tired of fighting a battle that never ends. . I am tired of never changing. . I  am tired of not seeing a point.

I am tired of the fact that I could go on && on && on. .

&& really, I am so damn tired of that baby girl inside of me who doesn’t understand anything except she is not acceptable.
I am so damn tired of that baby girl inside of me, who just wants to hear that (the most real part about her) her tears are beautiful.

I am so tired of that little girl inside of me crying to be noticed, heard, loved && held.

 I am so tired of that teenager inside of me who couldn’t tell you what love means. . Because it was abused so many different ways for her.

I am so tired of that teenager inside me who is screaming to be held && told that it is not her shame to cary. . it was not her fault. . && her life is worth living.

I am so tired of the 21 year old girl who is bruised && broken && used. Who doesn’t know a damn thing. . Who just tries to make it through the day. . Who wonders how far away her past really is. . Who carries that shame. .  Who doesn’t even know what she wants or needs anymore, because pretending, faking smiles, forced laughter && the "adapt to survive" mentality are an automatic response to everything now. .

I. Am. So. Tired.