When I was encouraged to start a blog, my first thought was, "ohhh hell no! I don’t want people to be able to read what I write, its personal, its reveling, it is who I am.. There is too much too loose." I am not exactly the most open person. I don't really share my feelings. I am incredibly concerned with what people will think of me. I refuse to be vulnerable. I hide my heart at almost all cost. I am beyond scared of being myself; it just doesn't turn out well in the end. I have more scars then I care to admit. I have more secrets then I know what to do with. I steadfastly refuse to put myself into any kind of unknown situation, period.. it isn't worth the risk. I like being alone && keeping to myself.
But the more I think about it the more I realize that I deeply want to share my thoughts; I always have.
I want to be brave enough to actually admit what I am feeling or thinking. My room is full note cards on the walls with quotes I love, or wrote myself, or parts of songs that stick out to me.. speak for me. It is ME. I want to be heard, to be seen. At some point you just have to be able to risk it. What do I have to lose? "ALOT! People will read what I say && judge me, think differently of me, they won’t approve of what I say.. etc. They might leave? It’s one thing in my room (no one's ever in there)" But what do I have to lose? I'm keeping people at a controllable arm’s length any ways.. It’s time to risk.
But the more I think about it the more I realize that I deeply want to share my thoughts; I always have.
I want to be brave enough to actually admit what I am feeling or thinking. My room is full note cards on the walls with quotes I love, or wrote myself, or parts of songs that stick out to me.. speak for me. It is ME. I want to be heard, to be seen. At some point you just have to be able to risk it. What do I have to lose? "ALOT! People will read what I say && judge me, think differently of me, they won’t approve of what I say.. etc. They might leave? It’s one thing in my room (no one's ever in there)" But what do I have to lose? I'm keeping people at a controllable arm’s length any ways.. It’s time to risk.
To be honest, as much as I care with my whole heart what people think of me.. If they don’t like what they read, they don’t have to read it. So, I'll say what I think, what I feel && what I want. I'll say it how I want. After all, I am thinking it anyways. I am tired of keeping so much in, when I have so much to say. Maybe I am brave enough.. It’s time to just risk it.
Yes I am afraid. What I have to say isn’t always pretty. What I feel is so intense. What I'm thinking isn’t what most people assume. Yes I am scared. I just don't do this! But those thoughts, those feelings, are who I am. If I want to be "seen" I have to put myself out there at some point.. && too many opportunities have turned into regrets && passed me by. As much as I am not ready to risk it; I am.
So, here goes nothin.
So glad you're here and wanting to be seen! I see you Liz and I love you, your heart, and your words!
ReplyDeleteI always thought that was one of the reasons we were such good friends. You cared so much about what people thought and were reserved. I didn't give a crap and never shut up. What a pair :)
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to seeing your head in words!
Lizzy, I love you! From past hurts I can identify with not wanting to open up. Know that you are so loved! And the people who don't act like they do don't even matter! You are precious in my sight and His!!!!!
ReplyDelete