WhereAreMyTears

"Oh child, never discount the wonders of your tears. They can be healing waters && a stream of joy. Sometimes they are the best words a heart can speak."

I have always hated crying. This is funny, because I really am an emotional person. I just don’t show it. I refuse to cry. It is weakness. I am stronger then to feel the need to think that crying is going to change whatever I am crying over. Not to mention my emotions have never been acceptable to others. They scare the crap out of me && they don’t get me anywhere good. So I just ignore them. I hide them. Now it is habit.

But lately I’ve been learning that my tears are not stupid. {Did I say learning? I mean trying to accept} my tears are not weakness. That maybe they are beautiful. . && that there are people out there who love me && want to be a part of those {somehow} special tears. What is even stranger to me is that I want to share my tears. I want to have those people {&& others} experience those tears with me. To experience that softer side of me && to feel like I am just as beautiful there as I want to be everywhere else.

But I’ve hidden them so well, I honestly can’t find them.

When I am alone, && I am really upset, then they will come, but it is only a matter of time before my automatic reaction to shut them up kicks in.

So tonight in a Small Group I am in, we were asked some questions that I really hate. About our Childhood && wounds & such. . I don’t like going to those places && I most definitely don’t like feeling what it brings up. I have soo much emotion there. But while I was answering the questions honestly, I couldn’t connect with the emotions. They were just too far away. Weird.

Then a dear friend was sharing a piece of her heart with the group && she shared something very big. Very heavy. && it absolutely broke my heart. I was so saddened for her. I know how she feels, I relate sooo much. But I wasn’t crying for myself. I was crying for her && her pain. I was crying, whattttt?

Later in the night I was talking with my best friend && she was curious about my tears in group. ohhh eff it. I immediately started crying again. Like my tears just seriously poured down my face as I remembered what my friend had shared. . && how much it broke my heart for her. .

I can’t tell you how frustrating it is. . That when I couldn’t stop my emotions from coming up. . I wanted nothing more than to shut them off. && now that I want to feel them again. . I cannot connect with them to save my life. At least when it comes to me. For other people I have a never ending supply that is ready to be shared. But for me. . I have nothing. I want them back. I really don’t understand.

So I’m stuck wondering about this. . Where are MY tears??

&& why can't I find them?